I'M I HEALED

Someone Asked me the other da if I was healed from my child's passing. I asked them to define healed. I asked if someone does heal, are there scars? I asked if the scars has a thin layer of skin, or a thick one. They didn't know what to say. It got me thinking of so many things.

I remember the first few months even the years after my Nicole past away. I wasn't healed. Ididn't have a scar. I had an open bleeding sore that would not begin to heal. But am I healed today? Again, Iwould want the word healed described for a bereaved parent.

I've takled to other parents who lost a child like I have. We discussed what the time has done to us, how we have coped, and how we survived.

Losing a child causes not only inner scars, but outer ones that we try to hide. I still today will get choked up when I see a newly bereaved parent fall apart. It still gets to me when certain days come that I know are going to bring back a lot of memories. For me, memoriesare always just inder the surface of who I am.

Some ask me if holidays, birthdays, ect, are easier now. I still never know when one will hit me and punch my heart and rip open the scar that has not healed yet.

Some tell me they can't go there can't dwell on the past can't put themself in that position. I think to myself no maybe you can't go there you try to forget but I'll never belive any parent does not go there.

For me, I guess the word time would have to come into how I have survived. My Nicole has been gome three years this Sept. I keep saying three years how is that possible? Sometimes I man how can this be three years without Nicol. I think how have I gotten this far down this road? I think about the years I could't control the tears. I think about the the holiday and how I've been so sad. I think of what my life could have been like had she lived. I think about the past, and I think about the future I missed out on and will forever.

So have I healed? If someone can have a tragedy happen in thier lives, and get past the pain and move on and forget what happened, I'd call that healed. Therefore, I guess I have not healed. I can't foget the past. I can't forget the feeling of those little arms hugging my neck and those smoochy kisses when she would say "I LOVE YOU DADDY" "I LOVE YOU BIGGER." I can't forget the Christmas's and the happiness her little face showed when she got something she asked Santa for. I can't forget her birthday and GOD knows, I can't forget the day that she went home.

I once never dreamed I'd live this long with a heart that was not whole anymore. But somehow I have. It's not been easy many times, matter of fact it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face. But here I am, this old heart getting older day by day, days that it bleeds, days that the scar opens up and taskes days to close back up temporarily.

I lve from day to day, I never use to do that. I use to plan months ahead, look foward to many things in life. But today...when people say "how are you" I reply "I'm alive" Some look at me oddly, and others say" I know what you mean."

I know I will never heal I never want to forget a certain little girl who broutght so much love and happiness into my life. I never want to forget anything about her.

So I will plug on day by day. On the days when it gets hard and I feel like falling down and giving up , I will once again grab on to God's hand pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and tell myself " God loves you and you still have work to do.