At this Time

When the month of November come my heart starts to ache. The mall start playing there Christmas songs, the decoration, people are in the buzzing mode. As I stand and watch my heart aches for the memories enter my head and my heart. Her laughter, her smile, the brilliant glow on her face, the excitement in her little heart. No more do I see all of this all I feel is the cold wind on my face as my tears make there way to the floor of my soul.

Its not that I hate Christmas it’s just that Christmas without my Nicole and sharing the LOVE of Christ with her is not and will never be the same it will always be sad and lonely she will never humanly fill my heart with that glow.

But I know that for Nicole its not the same cause for her she is singing with the angel SINGING GOD"S PRAISE rejoicing with the heavenly children of GOD.
Oh !just to be able to fell just a little bit of what her heart fell, to be in the present of our LORD just to really fell the power of GOD before her. To run in the heavenly beautiful garden to really truly be free of tears, pain, fear, never ever have a broken heart never fell alone I cannot wrap my pea brain around that Oh but how I long for that.

It reminds of what I read about Paul in my study when he said to be with God is to GAIN. But what is confusing meis that I most stay here with you till my time come to do what ever it is God wants me to do. But my selfish human heart wants to leave and leave now.

As I read the paper listen to TV my heart is sadden even more just to see how MAN is so stupid and so self centre that it makes me sick and makes me long even more for God to call me home. Man has sooooooooo lost the true meaning of Christmas. He is so busy worrying about offending some one else or stepping on some one toes and because of that he is deciding to change all what Christmas OH sorry should I say this holiday is all about. This time of years is just and other holiday just like all the rest lets just get drunk act like idiots and forget about that GUY you know him that kid that was suppose to have been born in a manger what’s his name again Oh ya Joseph or was it Jesus ya I think that’s it Jesus.

Let’s bring in our rules because we own this place call earth so we call the shots. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THIS WORLD JUST MAKES ME SICK.

Sorry I just wanted to share with you how my heart fells at this time of year without my Nicole and my anger got the best of me. Because even if my heart is hurting and I miss her so so much and I long to be with her. I still Care about the Child that was born to us on Christmas Day OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

I pray to you OH Lord that you would stop this madness break those hearts of stone and bring peace on this earth

LOSTSOUL

I'M I HEALED

Someone Asked me the other da if I was healed from my child's passing. I asked them to define healed. I asked if someone does heal, are there scars? I asked if the scars has a thin layer of skin, or a thick one. They didn't know what to say. It got me thinking of so many things.

I remember the first few months even the years after my Nicole past away. I wasn't healed. Ididn't have a scar. I had an open bleeding sore that would not begin to heal. But am I healed today? Again, Iwould want the word healed described for a bereaved parent.

I've takled to other parents who lost a child like I have. We discussed what the time has done to us, how we have coped, and how we survived.

Losing a child causes not only inner scars, but outer ones that we try to hide. I still today will get choked up when I see a newly bereaved parent fall apart. It still gets to me when certain days come that I know are going to bring back a lot of memories. For me, memoriesare always just inder the surface of who I am.

Some ask me if holidays, birthdays, ect, are easier now. I still never know when one will hit me and punch my heart and rip open the scar that has not healed yet.

Some tell me they can't go there can't dwell on the past can't put themself in that position. I think to myself no maybe you can't go there you try to forget but I'll never belive any parent does not go there.

For me, I guess the word time would have to come into how I have survived. My Nicole has been gome three years this Sept. I keep saying three years how is that possible? Sometimes I man how can this be three years without Nicol. I think how have I gotten this far down this road? I think about the years I could't control the tears. I think about the the holiday and how I've been so sad. I think of what my life could have been like had she lived. I think about the past, and I think about the future I missed out on and will forever.

So have I healed? If someone can have a tragedy happen in thier lives, and get past the pain and move on and forget what happened, I'd call that healed. Therefore, I guess I have not healed. I can't foget the past. I can't forget the feeling of those little arms hugging my neck and those smoochy kisses when she would say "I LOVE YOU DADDY" "I LOVE YOU BIGGER." I can't forget the Christmas's and the happiness her little face showed when she got something she asked Santa for. I can't forget her birthday and GOD knows, I can't forget the day that she went home.

I once never dreamed I'd live this long with a heart that was not whole anymore. But somehow I have. It's not been easy many times, matter of fact it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face. But here I am, this old heart getting older day by day, days that it bleeds, days that the scar opens up and taskes days to close back up temporarily.

I lve from day to day, I never use to do that. I use to plan months ahead, look foward to many things in life. But today...when people say "how are you" I reply "I'm alive" Some look at me oddly, and others say" I know what you mean."

I know I will never heal I never want to forget a certain little girl who broutght so much love and happiness into my life. I never want to forget anything about her.

So I will plug on day by day. On the days when it gets hard and I feel like falling down and giving up , I will once again grab on to God's hand pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and tell myself " God loves you and you still have work to do.